PINK IS THE NEW GREY – the personal website of Kerry Fender – Freelance Writer, Blogger, Caffeine Addict and Cake Whore. It is also my blog.
Once upon a time I was a housewife, entirely devoted to caring for my husband and children. In a moment of shocking irresponsibility I gave up being a good wife and mother, and started writing.
Nobody knows who I am, least of all me. Can I find myself before its too late?
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Today my character woke up and realised that she had become invisible. Her family know she is there because of the things she does, or does not do. But no one sees her anymore.
She had been twenty years in a dreamless sleep on the austere marriage bed of convention and pragmatism. It was not until she awoke that the dreams started: dreams of adventure; of getting to know her travelling companions on the way; of minds meeting in the exclusivity of shared experience; of midnight swims in a lake sequinned with stars, whose reflections are sliced by two bodies as they slip through the black silk water; of a campfire, stargazing that melts into lovemaking, unroofed, naked to the moon’s glare.
Lovemaking. She is nearly fifty and has never made love. Her husband tells her that men do not make love, they fuck — a basic animal drive. This she has done, times without number in the five minutes that have passed between then (gymslip furtively pushed up over hips) and now (tummy control pants hastily pulled to one side). In the back of her mind she still believes in lovemaking, but wishes she did not — because in belief lies also the acknowledgement that it is an experience that only happens to other people.
In all directions she sees a horizon, a thin, red, cauterising line, sealing the limits of her existence. Her shadow is longer than her soul.
The question is not ‘will this character die?’: that is the ultimate end of every character’s story. The question is: ‘what can she do with the time that she has left? Is it worth even trying to acheive something new? Is it too late now to find adventure and love? Or should she learn to be content with the life she has?’
Today I woke up and realised.